My Journey with Anxiety

Anxiety was one of the first emotions I felt after receiving the diagnosis. The tightness around my jaw from clenching so tightly throughout the days and nights would provide me with so many headaches and very sore gums and teeth. The anxiety never left. It would stay like a loyal friend, ready to launch its attack in the middle of the night. It would wake me from my slumber and instead of whispering sweet nothings into my ears it would whisper all the ways in which my future and his future would never be the same. Sometimes it whispered but there were many times that it would roar. Roaring so loudly that I was sure that the entire family would wake from the deafening noise from within my head. But its favourite place to come and talk to me – the one place I thought I could be free from its grips – the shower. Hoping that the hot water would wash away all of the negative thoughts gaining traction within my mind. Hoping the thoughts would somehow flow out of my ears and wash down my body and into the drain. Floating far far away from me. I wished that was how it would go – unfortunately anxiety had other plans for me. The hot water was a seemingly fit invitation for it to come in and invade my quality time. I couldn’t distract myself with anything and the tears and droplets of water all became the same. My heavy cries muddled by the sound of the water hitting the tiles. I would beg for them to stop. Beg for the anxiety to ease so I could have a reprieve, but it was relentless.

After some time, the anxiety just became too much and I needed to take matters into my own hands. I was adamant about not going on medication. I’m not sure why I so fought that point as hard as I did, but I refused it. No doubt my feelings of perfection also wielded their power.

I wasn’t ready to open up to any of my friends, so I began seeing a psychologist, (I wish I had seen a coach from this point.) I watched funny movies when I wasn’t utterly exhausted, tried to eat well, made changes to how much I drank, and I prayed. I journaled, I listened to podcasts, I went down to the beach when I could, and went for walks. I massaged my jaw and I tried to give myself compassion and grace, for this was an uphill battle that I was just beginning. Essential oils helped calmed my nervous system and acted like my little saviour in my pocket. I would lather myself hoping it would infiltrate my brain and tell the anxiety that I mean business.

Time has helped in easing my anxiety. It’s nowhere near what it was at the beginning, but if I’m being truthfully honest, there are still times it does rear its ugly head. I find it comes out most now when I perceive that I’m being judged or my son might be judged. When we’re at the airport or travelling and at birthday parties. And if I do feel that tightness coming back on. I take deep breaths, have my essential oils on hand and ask myself this one simple question – do I have evidence to support what I’m telling myself to be true? I then also make an appointment to see my coach.