Forgive Yourself

,,’Well, this is a big one. It’s one that took me a very very long time to be able to do. To forgive myself. In the beginning I didn’t feel worthy of forgiveness, in fact, I felt the opposite – I felt I must be punished because it was my doings that had somehow caused my beautiful boy’s diagnosis. I was at fault and I should feel the full force of that punishment. I begged God to punish me, for the universe to punish me so that by feeling the pain, I could then let go of the pain. Little did I know that that’s not how you learn lessons in life. That’s not how to learn what the journey is in life. That’s not how to work out the purpose in life.

I remember one time laying next to my boy whilst he was sleeping, the pillow drenched in tears and I begged for his forgiveness. For him to forgive me of anything that I did that may have caused him harm. Did I eat the wrong food, did I use my phone too much, did I get sick and that’s what caused it? So many unknowns. But the truth was that whilst I was begging for my son’s forgiveness, what I was really asking for was for someone to say it’s ok. Its not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. So, I stand before you right here, right now and I’m telling you – the person reading this blog. You did nothing wrong. You must forgive yourself in order for you to start to heal. By not forgiving yourself you are not only stopping your healing but you’re also stopping the universe/God to bring you divine instructions on what the next step is. You’re so busy hating on yourself, so busy being angry with yourself that you, my friend, must realise you have all the power you need for you to heal, and you also have all the tools and resources to help your child make progress.

Until I fully, and I mean fully forgave myself, did I really see progress within my child. It wasn’t until I fully forgave myself that things just started happening. I was put onto different therapists, different teachers, different people who gave me so much value that his progress was undeniable.

And today if you were to ask me – I say I am grateful for the hard times because they made me who I am today. I am no longer the person I was 6, 10, 12 years ago. I don’t share the same values and beliefs that that person did. I carry myself differently, I think differently and most importantly, I know from my very core, that I am showing up and being the best parent I can be to my children. I am making sure that I recognise all of my own efforts that I make for my family. That I GET to make those efforts because I have been blessed with parenting these two tiny souls.

So, I do forgive myself, because I don’t want to play in that space anymore. I don’t want to live my life in lack or anger or shame or blame. I want to live my life with as much love as possible.

So, I encourage you – write a letter to your old self. The one that has just received the diagnosis. Write that person a letter, blessing them with your forgiveness because you’re the only one that has the ability to forgive. Let go of the pain and know that you’re one step closer to feeling more whole and more loved.