My High Expectations Were Burning Me Out

by | May 19, 2025

In case we haven’t met before—hi, I’m a recovering perfectionist.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve set impossibly high standards for myself. I pick something I want to do, aim for a flawless outcome, and when I inevitably fall short of that unrealistic goal—I come down hard on myself.

That mindset hit me hard when I became a first-time mum.

My version of the “perfect” first-time mum looked like this:

  • My baby would always eat well

  • Always burp on cue

  • Never spit up

  • Never cry excessively

  • And would always be happy

Yes, I really thought that was achievable.

Looking back now, I feel so much compassion for that younger version of me. Where did I even get those ideas? Who told me babies weren’t supposed to cry or spit up? Babies are tiny humans trying to adjust to a brand-new world—they cry, burp, spit up, struggle to sleep, and sometimes just have off days. And that’s completely okay.

But for most of my life, I held onto the belief that if I just tried harder or controlled more, things would be perfect.

Here’s the truth: you can’t live that way when you’re raising an autistic child.

The goalposts move daily. What your child could handle yesterday might overwhelm them today. What you could handle yesterday might knock you off your feet today. There is no “perfect” in this space. There’s only what’s needed right now.

I remember the first time someone gently suggested I lower my expectations. I was offended. Lower them? That felt like failure. That felt like giving up.

But then it hit me—maybe my towering expectations were what was actually breaking me. Maybe they were warping how I viewed my child, myself, and my family.

Lowering expectations doesn’t mean giving up. It means allowing room for grace. It means loosening the white-knuckle grip on everything and trusting that things will unfold—even if the result isn’t an A+. Because often, our version of “perfect” is someone else’s idea of pressure and pain.

As parents, when we lower the bar just a little, we create space. Space for our children to grow. Space for us to exhale. Children feel the energy we bring—they absorb our stress, our tension, our need to “get it right.” If we’re constantly communicating, even silently, that they’re not meeting our standards, their confidence will crumble. They’ll shut down. And our connection with them will fray.

So let this be a reminder—to you and to me.

Loosen your grip.

You don’t have to control everything to keep things on track. Trust that your child is on their own timeline. Trust that you’re doing your best. Trust that your people—your tribe—will come. Because the tighter I’ve held on, the more burnt out I’ve become.

There is a better way.

Let go. Just a little. And breathe.

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