Dear Diary…

**This is a page out of my diary from 2017.  Some things have been changed for privacy reasons.**

Dear Diary…

Yesterday was Mother’s Day.  A day that I should be celebrating.  A day that should be filled with warm embraces and handwritten cards.  My Mother’s Day was not that.  My day was spent rushing up to my baby boy cuddling him and saying, “is it Mother’s Day?”  Only to be met with a blank stare and a sense that he didn’t even understand what I was saying.

I spent my day, mostly in my car crying.  Crying so much that my eyes are red and sore.  I’m angry, I’m frustrated.  Why him?  Why me?  Why us?  I don’t care! I don’t want to be in this situation anymore.  I want to crawl in bed and pull the doona over my head and pretend like it’s not happening.

My heart is aching.  My chest feels bruised from the crying and the yelling.  Why, why, why!!!!!

I bought myself a coffee in hopes it would make me feel better, but all I see are mothers of neurotypical children everywhere.  They’re all smiling, so happy.  They’re living the life free of pain, of guilt, of shame, of blame.  It’s excruciating watching my baby boy struggle to do some of the easiest things that his peers can do.

I can feel the anxiety building up within me.  Bubbling away, ready to explode at any given moment.

I am exhausted by all the appointments, by my baby boys early wakes up, him the waking in the middle of the night, and him taking 2 hours just to get to sleep.  What about me?  When do my needs get met?  When do I get to concentrate back on me again?

Will I ever get back to feeling like me again?  Will I ever be able to pull myself out of this hole?  It feels like every time I try to take one step forward, it’s 5 steps back.

The burden of carrying this secret is heavy.  It is weighing heavily on my shoulders.  I don’t think I have the stamina to go the distance. I need a reprieve…..something…..anything!

When will it end?  Please wake me from this dream because I am not coping!

*If you are feeling this way or a similar version, please reach out.  Please know you are not alone and that what you’re going through is very normal.  Grief, anxiety, worry, uncertainty, overwhelm, these feelings can absolutely come up when you first hear of the news of your child’s autism diagnosis.* 

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