What I would have told the old me…

I wish I had me at the beginning of this journey.  The current me.  The me with all the knowledge and know how on how to live this life through the autism journey.  I wish I had the current version of me to advise the old me of how I could re-frame so much of what I was thinking then to the magic of what I am thinking today.

I would tell that old version of myself that it’s ok to grieve.  I would tell her that it will be ok.  I would wrap my arms around her and hug her while her body would shake, and shudder as she heaved heavy sobs.

I would tell her that growth happens every day in every way, and that our angel boy is constantly growing even when she can’t always see it.

I would explain that her fears aren’t real because she couldn’t predict the future.  That her fears are based on a story that she’s telling herself.

I would tell her that the autism diagnosis won’t define our angel boy.  That although she thinks that the stigma will follow him like a bad smell, it will actually set him free.

I would tell her that life in the future isn’t consumed by huge amounts of cortisol (stress hormone) spikes, leaving her crying in the carpark of Aldi.  That in fact the future me spends her weekends bike riding in the sun with her angel boy and cuddled up watching movies on the weekends.

I wish she could see all that our angel boy can do rather than what he can’t do.

I wish she could hold onto a vision that is so bright and so full of hope, but I know she can only see darkness.

Oh, how I wish I could hold her exhausted, mentally fatigued body and fill her cup and calm her nervous system.  I would whisper all the things our angel boy can now do in the future.  I would wipe away her tears and cup her face and tell her that she will be ok. That life has a specific destiny just for her.

I would tell her that life in the future has surpassed all her expectations.

I would tell her that living in the house and not wanting to venture outside isn’t living.

I would tell her that she’s on the right track with food, and to always follow her gut when it came to therapists.

I would tell her that our angel boy is only young once and to not miss the moments.

I would tell her that by being in such a state of fight or flight, she would miss so much of what is happening with our angel girl.  That her early years would be a blur because she was so stressed.

Finally, I would tell her that more than anything else that she is enough.  I would remind her over and over again that she is enough.  That she is enough for our angel boy.  That she will rise to occasion every single time.

And before I said our final goodbye, I would tell her that our angel boy is enough.  He has so much knowledge within.  He is smart beyond measure and that he will grow and develop in his own time not in the time frame that the old me has set.

I would wave goodbye, hoping she’s taking even just a sprinkle of what I have told her because life is beautiful even in the hard.

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